by Dr. Lori Davis, DNP, FNP-C, Clinical Sexologist and Sex Counselor
“I feel like I’m always the one who has to ask. And when I do, half the time it goes badly. I don’t even know how to bring it up anymore.”
“When they reach for me I tense up. I don’t know if it’s going somewhere. I can’t just relax and enjoy a hug.”
“I’ve told them a hundred times what doesn’t work. They still do it. I don’t know if they’re not listening or they just don’t care.”
If any of these sound familiar, you have an initiation problem. How couples initiate sex in long-term relationships, and what happens when it goes wrong, is one of the most overlooked sources of pain I see in my practice and is a root cause of mismatched desire. Not the sex itself, not even the frequency. The getting there.
Here’s what I’ve come to believe: you will never build a satisfying sex life if you can’t figure out initiation first. What happens during sex matters. But you can’t get there if the on-ramp is broken.
TL;DR
- Initiation is the on-ramp — you can’t build a satisfying sex life if the getting-there is broken
- The word “sex” is already a brake — how you ask matters as much as that you ask
- Urgency, sulking, and repeated moves your partner has asked you to stop are all brakes — even before anything starts
- Safe touch disappears when every touch might lead somewhere — and without safe touch there are no accelerators
- You can initiate from warmth, not arousal — and slowing down before you answer changes what’s possible
- Clear asking doesn’t kill the mood — vague signals and plausible deniability do
- A no right now is not a verdict — how you handle it determines what happens next
What Initiation Actually Is
Initiation isn’t just asking for sex. It’s the entire sequence of events that creates the conditions for sex to be possible.
It includes how you ask, when you ask, what words you use, what your body is doing, what energy you’re bringing, and what happens when the answer is no, not yet, or maybe.
For couples with responsive desire dynamics, which we talked about in depth here, this matters even more. If you have responsive desire, you start from neutral. You’re not already turned on. The on-ramp is where desire either begins to emerge or gets shut down entirely. That means initiation isn’t a formality. It’s the first act of the whole thing.
First, A Word About the Word “Sex”
Before we go further, we need to talk about language. We covered this in depth in a previous post, but the short version is this: the word “sex” is loaded. For many people, especially those with responsive desire, hearing “do you want to have sex?” triggers an immediate physical reaction. Not arousal. The opposite.
The word conjures a whole package: a specific set of acts, a particular outcome, pressure to perform, a duration, an expectation. For the lower desire partner, the word itself can activate the brake system before anything else has a chance to happen.
So when we talk about initiation, we’re not talking about asking for “sex.” We’re talking about opening a conversation. What that sounds like matters more than most people realize.
How the Higher Desire Partner Gets It Wrong
I want to be direct here, because I think clarity is kinder than softening something to the point where it lands without impact.
Higher desire partners get initiation wrong in some very consistent ways. If you’re the higher desire partner and this stings, that’s information worth sitting with.
Initiating from urgency.
When desire has been building for days, or when the last sexual encounter feels like it was months ago, initiation often comes loaded with urgency. The ask isn’t really an invitation. It’s a pressure release. The lower desire partner can feel that urgency, and urgency is a brake. It communicates: I need this, I’ve been waiting, this is about me. That’s not an open door. That’s a demand dressed as a question.
Catastrophizing rejection.
When the answer is no, many higher desire partners react in ways that turn a single moment into a much bigger event. Sulking, withdrawal, sighing, pointed silence, or an outright argument. This is understandable. Rejection hurts. But what it communicates to the lower desire partner is: saying no is costly. I will pay for this. And the next time initiation happens, that cost is already factored in. The brake is already engaged before anything starts.
Touch that isn’t safe anymore.
Touch is theoretically a beautiful way to initiate. A hand on the back, a long hug, a kiss that lingers. But once mismatched desire dynamics are established, this breaks down. If every touch might be leading somewhere, then no touch is just touch. The lower desire partner starts bracing. They can’t relax into a hug because they’re monitoring whether it’s going to escalate. And when there’s no safe touch, there are no accelerators. The conditions for desire can’t build because even the small physical moments are charged.
Passive aggression and the 12-year-old approach.
Initiation sometimes looks like jokes, innuendo that requires the partner to either play along or shut it down, or a kind of adolescent grabbiness that seems designed to be deniable. “I’m just being playful.” Maybe. But if playful always means sexual, and if getting rebuffed at playful leads to hurt feelings, then playful isn’t really playful. It’s initiation with plausible deniability. And when it gets shut down, the sulk that follows is real. It’s passive aggressive behavior and it’s not hot. But once you recognize it, you can start talking about what really matters.
Doing the things that don’t work. Again.
If your partner has told you that grabbing their body while they’re cooking dinner, or reaching for them the moment they get into bed, or initiating right after an argument doesn’t work for them, and you keep doing those things, that is a choice. Not a mistake. A choice. And what it communicates is: what you’ve told me matters less than what I feel like doing in this moment.
I hear higher desire partners say, “I just can’t be myself.” And I understand the frustration behind that. But if “being yourself” consistently drives your partner further away, it’s worth asking what you’re actually defending. Your desire style deserves expression. Your partner’s nervous system deserves respect. These aren’t incompatible. But one of them requires more flexibility than the other right now.
How the Lower Desire Partner Gets It Wrong
This isn’t only about the higher desire partner. Lower desire partners have their own initiation patterns that make things harder, often without realizing it.
Putting all initiation on their partner.
It’s common for lower desire partners to stop initiating entirely, and then feel sad or guilty that their partner is always the one asking. This makes sense as a pattern: if you’re rarely turned on spontaneously, initiating can feel dishonest, or like setting something in motion you’re not sure you want.
But here’s the thing: you don’t have to initiate from arousal. You can initiate from a hope to be close. From wanting to share some pleasure. From caring about your partner and knowing that intimacy matters to them and to you. Initiation doesn’t have to mean “I am turned on right now and I want sex.” It can mean “I want to spend some time with you and see where it goes.”
Calling some of those shots, initiating what you actually want rather than what you think your partner wants, puts you in a different position. You’re not a passive recipient of someone else’s desire. You’re a person with your own preferences, setting your own terms.
Racing to an answer.
When a partner initiates, the lower desire partner often does a quick internal check. Is desire there? Am I in the mood? And if the answer is no, or neutral, the response comes fast.
But working with a system that starts from neutral takes time. Brakes don’t clear instantly. The nervous system needs a moment. Rushing to an answer before anything has had a chance to shift means you’re responding to your starting state, not to what might actually be possible.
What if you didn’t have to answer right away? What if “I’m not sure yet” was a complete and acceptable response?
The Myth That Clear Asking Kills the Mood
There’s a belief embedded in a lot of couples’ initiation patterns that if you ask too directly, too clearly, too explicitly, it ruins something. The spontaneity is lost. The magic evaporates.
I find this worth examining, because I’m not sure where we got it. The idea that desire should be communicated through subtle signals and interpreted correctly, like a test both people are supposed to pass, sets everyone up to fail. It puts the lower desire partner in the position of having to decode whether a touch is just a touch or the beginning of something. It puts the higher desire partner in the position of hoping their signals land without having to be vulnerable enough to actually ask.
What if initiation was more like a gentle conversation? Not a yes or no question with immediate consequences, but an opening. “Do you want to spend some time together later?” “I’d love to do that thing we both like.” “What would feel good to you tonight?”
These aren’t clinical. They’re warm. And they do something that vague signals and grabbed body parts can’t do: they create space for a real answer.
What to Do When the First Answer Is No
Here is something I see consistently in my practice. The higher desire partner initiates. The lower desire partner checks inside, finds neutral, and says no. The higher desire partner reacts. The conversation is over.
But here’s what I also see: when the higher desire partner can stay regulated, stay warm, and let the no just be a no for right now without turning it into an event, something interesting happens. The lower desire partner, in that more open and unpressured space, often comes back.
Not always. But often enough that it matters.
A no in the moment is not a verdict on the relationship, on your partner’s desire for you, or on the future of your sex life. It’s information about this moment. When it gets treated as more than that, when it triggers hurt and withdrawal, it becomes a brake for the next time before this time is even over.
What if a no could just be a no? What if you could say “okay, no problem” and mean it, and then see what happened next?
What Good Initiation Looks Like
It’s low stakes. It’s an opening, not a demand. It leaves room for a real answer without consequences attached to that answer.
It doesn’t use the word “sex” unless both of you have established that word works for you.
It’s timed thoughtfully. Not when your partner just walked in the door, not mid-task, not in the charged aftermath of a difficult conversation.
It doesn’t rely on your partner to decode your signals. It says something, with words or with clear and unhurried touch that isn’t going anywhere until they invite it to.
It can handle a no, or a not yet, or a maybe, without those responses becoming the beginning of a conflict.
And it can come from either partner. From want, or from warmth, or from a hope to be close. None of those are lesser reasons to reach toward someone.
The Bottom Line
Initiation is the beginning of the conditions for desire. If you have responsive desire, those conditions start the moment your partner reaches toward you. If the reach comes with urgency, pressure, or a history of consequences for saying no, the brake system fires before anything else can happen.
Getting initiation right doesn’t mean scripting everything or removing all spontaneity. It means understanding that how you open the conversation shapes everything that follows.
A warm, low-stakes, clearly communicated invitation is already an accelerator. Everything else, the urgency, the sulking, the repeated moves your partner has asked you to stop, is already a brake.
You get to choose which one you bring.
Work with Me
If the on-ramp is broken in your relationship, the rest is hard to get to. I work with couples and individuals on the patterns around initiation, desire, and intimacy that keep you stuck in the same cycle. In person in Ithaca or virtually anywhere in the US.
Learn more about working together here. Book a free consultation here.
Dr. Lori Davis is a Doctor of Nursing Practice, board-certified Family Nurse Practitioner, and AASECT Certified Sex Counselor specializing in desire discrepancy and sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships. She teaches sexuality counseling at the University of Michigan.
Further reading:
Five Intimacy Practices for Couples that Actually Work
Why Don’t I Want Sex Anymore: Understanding Responsive Desire
Why I Stopped Using the Word “Sex” in My Sex Counseling Office
