Its not about how much you love each other.
One of you wants sex. The other doesn't.
Maybe you're the one who wants it - you're asking, or you've given up asking, or you're frustrated, hurt, thinking about leaving. You feel rejected. Confused about why this is so hard.
Or maybe you're the one who doesn't want it - you never think about it, you're turned off by how your partner asks, you want connection first but your partner wants sex first. Maybe you want to want it. Maybe you just want them to stop asking.
Here's what almost everyone says: "Our relationship is great...except for this."
And here's what you've probably tried: scheduling it, initiating differently, having the talks, reading the books. You're working so hard to meet in the middle. To compromise. To find a frequency or approach that works for both of you.
But meeting in the middle doesn't work. Because this isn't actually about finding a number you can both agree on. It's about a pattern you're both stuck in - and the answer isn't to get one person to want it more and the other to want it less.
What I see again and again.
Perhaps this sounds familiar...
If something here landed, read more about these dynamics in my blog
The Sex Clock
The Knot
The Rejection
The Dance
Counting the time since you last time you had sex - to manage your partner's moods and keep the peace.
The tension, guilt, anger, shame, resentment—all flooding your body the moment your partner reaches for you.
The cycle you're stuck in - you keep trying to make it different but you fall back into the same pattern.
The ongoing pain of being turned down, feeling unwanted, always being the one who has to ask. Every "no" hurts.
Nobody teaches us how sex and intimacy actually work in a long term relationship. We start with a version that feels effortless — and when that changes, we assume something is wrong with us. So we try to fix the wrong thing.
What's actually happening runs deeper than frequency or desire. It gets shaped by what the culture taught you, what you learned was safe to feel, and what developed between the two of you once the distance started to grow.
None of that is your fault. But it is yours to work with.
This isn't about either of you being broken.
There are real reasons this is happening
This is a pattern.
And patterns can change.
After years of working with couples on exactly this, I've come to understand what's actually happening underneath the distance, the fighting, the silence.
What looks like a sex problem is almost always a dance. Two people, each with their own relationship to closeness and wanting, caught in a cycle that pulls them further apart the harder they try. The pursuing and the withdrawing. The asking and the avoiding. The reaching and the shutting down.
Neither person chose this dance. But both people are doing it.
And that's actually where the hope is. Because once you can see the dance clearly — really see it, in your body and between you — something shifts. You have something you didn't have before.
Choice. Presence. Intimacy.
This is how you do it.
Getting unstuck for real.
It starts with your body. Not your thoughts about sex, but what's actually happening in your nervous system — the shutdown, the urgency, the bracing. You can't think your way back to wanting. You have to feel your way there.
It means working with the pattern, not fixing the person. Seeing the dance you're both caught in clearly enough to do something different.
And it means unlearning things you were taught about desire that were never true to begin with.
What becomes possible: sex that isn't managed or avoided. Honesty that doesn't shut one of you down. Choosing each other from presence instead of pressure.
the heart of the path
Recommended
Intimacy & Relationship Intensive
Two concentrated days to understand the pattern, build new skills, and create real momentum. Many people find it breaks through what months of weekly sessions haven't.
Intimacy & Relationship Coaching
This is where you stop managing and start living. Regular sessions where you understand what's been keeping you stuck, practice something different, and build the intimate relationship you've been wanting. For individuals and couples, in person in Ithaca or virtually nationwide.
Let's do it together.
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You don't have to go it alone.
You want to work with someone who gets this from the inside
You're willing to look at your own role in the pattern
You sense there's something deeper than "communication problems"
You're tired of managing your sex life and ready to actually live it
You recognize yourself in the sex clock, the knot, the dance, or the rejection
You're in the right place if...
You are ready for change.
You don't have to keep doing this alone.
The pattern isn't going to fix itself. You've tried that. You've read the books, had the talks, made the promises to try harder. And you're still here, still stuck, still exhausted.
This work is hard - but staying stuck is harder.
Schedule a free 20-minute consultation. We'll talk about where you are, what you need, and whether this work makes sense for you. No pressure, no sales pitch - just a real conversation about what's actually possible.
Most consultation calls are scheduled within 3-5 business days
Book a free call
The right help makes all the difference.
Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (SEP)
Certified Relational Life Coach (RLT)
AASECT Certified Sex Counselor (CSC)
DNP, FNP-BC (Board Certified Nurse Practitioner)
I'm Dr. Lori Davis — a Nurse Practitioner, AASECT Certified Sex Counselor, Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, and Relational Life Coach. My training spans medicine, somatics, and relational work because that's what this problem actually requires. After working with couples on exactly this, I've come to understand the pattern clearly. That understanding is what I bring to: every session.
Hi, I'm Dr. Lori.
I'm glad you're here.
You have questions. I have answers.
Honest, warm, and probably different from therapy you've tried before. I'm not going to sit quietly and reflect things back at you. I'm going to be in the room with you, curious, direct, and genuinely invested in what's happening.
We go where the work needs to go. Some sessions are conceptual, understanding the pattern, learning something new about how desire and intimacy actually work. Some are more experiential, noticing what's happening in your body, trying something different in the room. Most are somewhere in between.
I work with individuals and couples, and we move in and out of both as needed. Sometimes one person needs their own space first. Sometimes the work happens best together. We figure that out as we go.
The work isn't linear. But there is a path. And I know how to guide you through it.
Frequently Asked Questions
I typically recommend starting with The Intensive if you can. Two concentrated days gives you a coherent understanding of the pattern you're caught in, and that foundation makes everything that follows more effective. Most people find it creates momentum that's hard to build session by session. You can learn more about it here.
That said, The Intensive isn't right for everyone's schedule or situation. Some people start with coaching and do great. We'll figure out together what makes sense for where you are during the free consultation.
Yes. I work with clients virtually across the United States. The only exception is the medical path — sexual medicine and menopause care require you to be a New York or Vermont resident. Everything on the Intimacy and Relationship Path is available nationwide.
I strongly recommend couples work for this, because the pattern lives between you, not just inside one person. The most meaningful change happens when both people are in the room together, seeing the dance at the same time.
That said, individual work is real work. Some couples do a mix, individual sessions alongside couples sessions. Others start individually and bring their partner in when the time is right. We build the structure around what actually serves the process.
Sessions are 50 minutes for individuals and 50 or 90 minutes for couples. Most people start weekly for the first month, then move to biweekly or monthly as things shift.
The Supercharge is a two-day intensive format, separate from regular sessions. Many people do The Supercharge first and then move into ongoing sessions to integrate the work.
Individual sessions are $275 and couples sessions are $350. The two-day intensive is $2,500 per couple. 6 month packages are available. We can talk through what structure makes sense for you during the free consultation.
I do not bill insurance or provide superbills for services in the Intimacy & Relationship Path. By removing the clinical label for this work, we move beyond the constraints of insurance codes and medical diagnoses. This allows us to focus entirely on your relationship 'software'—your connection, communication, and desire—using my full clinical and somatic toolkit to get you unstuck.
Fees for Sex & Menopause Medicine patients (NY/VT) are separate and I can provide a superbill for you to submit to your insurance for potential out-of-network reimbursement.
Book a free consultation. It's a real conversation about where you are, what you're looking for, and whether this work makes sense for you. No pressure, no sales pitch. Most calls are scheduled within 3-5 business days. Schedule a free consult call here.
Testimonials
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