Your partner leans in to kiss you. You feel it before you can think: ew.

And then, a split second later: oh god, what’s wrong with me?

Or maybe it’s not the kiss. Maybe it’s when they suggest oral sex. Maybe it’s their sweaty skin against yours. Maybe it’s just thinking about having sex at all – the idea makes you want to recoil.

Or maybe you’re on the other side of this. You reached for your partner and saw their face do… something. A micro-expression of disgust. Gone in a flash, but you saw it. And now you feel disgusting.

Here’s what nobody tells you: disgust during sex is incredibly common. And almost nobody talks about it.

So let’s talk about it.

Because that visceral “ew” response? It’s real. It’s not something you’re making up. It’s not proof you’re broken or unattracted to your partner or damaged beyond repair. And it doesn’t have to be the end of the conversation.

Your Body Is Just Trying to Protect You

When you feel disgust, your body is doing what it’s designed to do: protect you from potential harm.

Your nervous system keeps you safe from things that could make you sick – spoiled food, contamination, disease. When it senses danger, it creates that automatic “get away” response. Your face scrunches up. You pull back. You create distance.

This is supposed to happen with rotten meat or visible illness. But here’s the thing: your nervous system doesn’t always distinguish between actual physical danger and things it’s learned to associate with danger.

If somewhere along the way you learned that sex was dirty, wrong, shameful, or dangerous? Your body might respond to sexual touch the same way it responds to spoiled milk. Not because sex actually IS dangerous, but because your nervous system is trying to protect you from something it thinks is a threat.

The response is automatic. You’re not choosing it. It just happens.

When the Ten-Year-Old Version of You Takes Over

Remember being a kid and thinking sex was gross? “Ew, cooties!”

That was normal. Healthy, even. Kids aren’t supposed to be sexual. They’re supposed to think the whole thing is disgusting.

But here’s what happens for a lot of us: we never fully grow out of that response. A part of us stays frozen there. So when your partner reaches for you sexually, that younger version of you pipes up: “Ew! No! That’s yucky and wrong!”

This is especially true if:

• Sex was treated as shameful or dirty in your family
• You learned your body was something to hide or be ashamed of
• You experienced something sexual before you were ready
• Your desires or curiosity about sex got shut down or punished
• You absorbed cultural messages that sex is bad/dirty/sinful

That younger part learned to keep you safe by making sex disgusting. And even though you’re an adult now who might intellectually want a healthy sex life, that protective response is still running in the background.

The Catch-22 Nobody Explains

Here’s where it gets really frustrating, especially if you have responsive desire (meaning you don’t just spontaneously want sex – your desire emerges in response to pleasure and arousal).

Responsive desire works like this: you need to let pleasure in first, and then desire follows. You can’t think your way into wanting sex. You have to feel your way there.

But if sexual touch or sexual thoughts trigger disgust, you can’t access the pleasure that would allow desire to emerge. Disgust shuts down the very pathway you need.

And you can’t override disgust through willpower. You can’t just decide “I won’t feel disgusted.” Your nervous system doesn’t work that way.

So you’re stuck. You’re told “just let arousal happen first,” but your body’s first response to sexual stimuli is ew, get away, not oh, this feels good.

This is why so many people feel broken. They’re stuck in a loop they can’t think their way out of.

Your Face Is Telling on You

Here’s the hard truth: if you’re the one experiencing disgust, your reaction has an impact.

When your face shows disgust, when you recoil, when you say “ew” out loud or even just in your expression, your partner internalizes that. They start to believe that their desire is disgusting. That their body is disgusting. That they’re too much.

This doesn’t mean you have to hide your reactions or fake enthusiasm for things that don’t feel good. It doesn’t mean you should never say no.

It means you need to learn to have the disgust reaction and still respond like an adult who cares about the person in front of you.

Instead of just recoiling, try:

• “I’m noticing I’m having a strong reaction to this. Can we slow down?”
• “That doesn’t feel good to me right now. Let me think about what might.”
• “I need a minute. My body is saying no and I want to figure out why.”

You’re being honest about your experience while recognizing that your reaction is about YOU – your history, your nervous system, your associations – not about your partner being inherently disgusting.

If Your Partner Is the One Who’s Disgusted

Okay, let’s talk to you for a minute. The person who reached for your partner and saw that flash of disgust cross their face.

First: you’re probably not going to die from this.

I know it feels terrible. I know you might be spiraling into “they don’t want me, they’re not attracted to me, I’m disgusting, this relationship is over.”

But their disgust reaction isn’t actually about you. It’s information about their nervous system, their history, their current state. It’s automatic. They didn’t choose it any more than they chose to sneeze.

Your work here is to not collapse. To not take it personally (I know, easier said than done). To stay curious instead of defensive.

Can you ask: “What just happened for you?”

Can you give them space to figure it out without making it mean you’re disgusting?

Can you remember that their disgust and your value are two completely separate things?

This is where sexual self-esteem matters. If you have a solid sense that you’re desirable, that your sexuality is okay, that you’re not too much – you can weather your partner’s disgust reaction without falling apart. You can stay present while they figure out what’s happening in their body. (And if you’re struggling with feeling like you always want sex more than your partner does, this might help.)

Both of you staying in the conversation instead of walking away hurt and shut down? That’s where the real work happens.

So What Do You Actually Do?

If you’re the person experiencing disgust, here’s where to start:

First, just stop for a second. Don’t immediately pull away. Don’t push through and pretend you’re fine. Just pause. That pause creates space between the automatic reaction and what you do next.

Then get curious. Ask yourself:

• Where do I feel this in my body?
• Does this feel like present-me responding, or does it feel younger?
• Has this disgust always been there, or did it show up at some point?
• Does it happen in all sexual contexts, or just specific ones?
• What else am I feeling underneath the disgust?

Sometimes when you sit with disgust long enough, other feelings emerge. Fear. Sadness. Anger. Grief. The disgust might be covering something more vulnerable.

Remember: you’re okay. Put your hand on your heart. Feel your feet on the ground. Take a few slow breaths. You’re safe. Having this reaction doesn’t mean you’re broken. (If slowing down and breathing together with your partner sounds helpful, try this practice.)

Stay at the edge, not in the deep end. You don’t have to force yourself to do the thing that disgusts you. But you also don’t have to run away from it entirely.

Can you stay close to the edge? If oral sex feels disgusting, can you stay present with kissing? If talking about sex feels gross, can you write about it instead?

Find the place where there’s just a little bit of stretch, not full panic. Stay there. Build tolerance slowly.

Talk to the disgust like it’s a part of you, not all of you. “A part of me feels disgusted right now.” “The part that learned sex was dirty is activated.” This creates distance. You’re not the disgust. You’re the person noticing disgust is present. That changes everything.

When Disgust Is Actually a Boundary

Here’s what I need you to know: sometimes disgust is your body telling you the truth.

“This isn’t okay for me. This violates something essential. I need to protect myself.”

There’s a difference between protective disgust and younger-part disgust:

Protective disgust feels solid, grounded, clear. “No. This isn’t for me.” There’s no panic underneath it, just clarity.

Younger-part disgust feels scared, defended, urgent. “No, that’s gross and wrong and bad!” There’s panic underneath it, or shame about having the reaction at all.

Both are valid. Both deserve respect. But they point to different kinds of work.

If your disgust is protective, honor it. That’s a real boundary. You don’t owe anyone access to your body or participation in acts that violate your sense of self.

If your disgust is the younger part protecting you from old fears that aren’t relevant anymore, there might be room to explore. Not to override the disgust, but to understand it. To build a different relationship with it.

This Takes Time (And Sometimes Help)

Working with sexual disgust isn’t a one-conversation fix. It’s ongoing exploration.

It requires capacity – capacity to feel disgust without spiraling into shame, capacity to witness your partner’s disgust without collapse, capacity to stay curious when you want to defend or shut down.

Sometimes you need professional support. Trauma-informed sex therapy can help you understand where the disgust comes from and build new pathways around it. Couples therapy can help both of you develop the resilience this work requires.

But the first step is just naming it. Saying out loud: “Sometimes I feel disgusted during sex, and that’s really hard, and I want to understand it.”

That honesty – the willingness to look at what’s actually happening instead of pretending it’s fine or deciding you’re broken – is how you begin.

Your body isn’t wrong for having this reaction. Your partner isn’t wrong for feeling hurt by it. You’re both just human, navigating the messy territory of bodies and desire and intimacy.

And you can learn to do it differently. One pause, one curious question, one moment of staying present at a time.

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Struggling with sexual disgust, disconnection, or feeling stuck in patterns that aren’t working?

Individual sex counseling can help you understand your responses and build new capacity for pleasure and presence. Learn more here.

Couples therapy addresses the relational patterns that keep you both stuck, helping you develop resilience and understanding together. Learn more here.

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Dr. Lori Davis is a Doctor of Nursing Practice, board-certified Family Nurse Practitioner, and AASECT Certified Sex Counselor specializing in desire, arousal, and the complex emotional landscape of long-term sexual relationships. She teaches sexuality counseling at the University of Michigan.

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Further reading:

The Knot: Why Your Body Shuts Down when Sex Comes Up

Why Don’t I want sex anymore? Understanding Responsive Desire

How Synchronized Breathing Can Reconnect You and Your Partner