by Dr. Lori Davis, DNP, FNP-C, Clinical Sexologist and Sex Counselor
One of you wants sex. The other doesn’t.
And both of you are convinced this is the problem.
The higher desire partner thinks: “If they would just want sex more often, everything would be fine.”
The lower desire partner thinks, “If I could just make myself want it, everything would be fine.”
Here’s what I need you to understand: You don’t have a desire problem.
Everyone has mismatched desire. That’s what happens when two different humans try to share a sex life.
Some couples manage it fine. Others are miserable.
The difference isn’t how much sex you’re having or how much you want it. The difference is what happens between you when desire doesn’t match.
TL;DR
- Everyone has mismatched desire sometimes — you’re two different people with different nervous systems
- The real problem isn’t the mismatch — it’s how you ask, how you respond to “no,” and what old wounds get activated
- Both partners are stuck in patterns — not just one person “causing” the problem
- The pressure model is a lie — there’s no sexual pressure building up that needs release
- Old patterns are running the show — childhood survival strategies about love and closeness show up in your sex life
- Most couples focus on the wrong thing — trying to fix desire instead of fixing the dynamic
Why Some Couples Are Fine, and Others Aren’t
Think about it: Every long-term couple has moments when one person wants sex, and the other doesn’t.
But some couples navigate this gracefully. They ask, they decline, they move on. Maybe they negotiate. Maybe they compromise. Maybe they just live with it.
Other couples? It’s a disaster every single time.
Same “mismatch.” Completely different outcome.
So what makes the difference?
It’s not about how much sex you’re having. It’s about:
- How you invite (ask, initiate, express interest)
- How you respond to “no” (both people’s reactions)
- Whether you can repair after a conflict
- What old wounds get activated when sex comes up
The couples who struggle? They’re terrible at all four.
The Invitation Problem
Most people are shockingly bad at inviting their partner to sex.
They don’t actually invite. They demand. They guilt. They pressure. They hint. They sulk. They get passive-aggressive.
Or they go for what I call the “12-year-old approach”—grabbing, joking, playfully-but-not-really pursuing. The boob grab. The “tune in Tokyo” humor. The kidding-but-not-kidding energy that might look playful to them, but can feel uncomfortable or pushy for their partner. And when their partner says “stop,” they may struggle to pause or notice their partner’s feelings, sometimes becoming defensive, hurt, or continuing anyway.
Or they avoid inviting altogether because they can’t handle rejection.
People often find themselves repeating the same patterns, even when it’s not working. This can feel frustrating for both partners.
They forget what their partner likes. They ignore feedback. They don’t attune to context, timing, or their partner’s actual experience.
It’s not that they want sex. It’s that they want sex their way, on their timeline, without having to consider their partner as a separate person.
That’s not desire. That’s something else.
The “No” Problem
When one partner says no to sex, both people often lose their shit.
The higher desire partner:
- Feels rejected, unwanted, angry
- Makes it mean something catastrophic about the relationship
- Withdraws emotionally or becomes critical
- Can’t self-soothe
The lower desire partner:
- Feels guilty, pressured, inadequate.
- Starts having sex out of fear of their partner’s reaction
- Monitors the “sex clock” to manage their partner’s mood
- Loses access to their own authentic wanting
Here’s what nobody talks about: You don’t have a desire problem. You have a “can’t tolerate no” problem.
And that’s on both of you.
The Lie You Both Believe
Most couples organize their entire sex life around a false belief:
The Pressure Model:
- The higher-desire partner has a mechanistic pressure system within them that builds up.
- If the pressure isn’t released, it becomes unbearable.
- The lower desire partner is responsible for monitoring and managing this pressure.
- The higher desire partner gets a free pass for bad behavior because “the pressure made them do it.”
This is complete bullshit.
Sexual desire is not a drive. It’s not pressure building up that needs release.
Desire is an incentive motivation system. It pulls you toward pleasure. It doesn’t push you from behind like hunger or thirst.
What the higher desire partner experiences as “pressure” is usually anxiety they haven’t learned to manage.
But as long as you both believe in the pressure model, you stay stuck. The lower desire partner keeps monitoring the “sex clock.” The higher desire partner keeps avoiding responsibility for their own emotional regulation.
Neither of you does your actual developmental work.
What’s Really Happening: Old Patterns Running the Show
When sex comes up in your relationship, you’re not showing up as your adult self.
You’re showing up with patterns you learned early on about love, closeness, and getting your needs met – survival strategies from childhood that helped you cope but don’t serve you now.
For the higher desire partner, this might look like:
- Pursuing frantically (anxious attachment)
- Demanding connection through sex
- Using sex to manage anxiety
- Losing the ability to care about your partner’s experience when you’re aroused
For the lower desire partner, this might look like:
- Shutting down completely (freeze response)
- Saying yes when you mean no (fawning)
- Performing desire you don’t feel.
- Monitoring your partner’s mood instead of tracking your own wanting
The further you are from your grounded adult self, the worse the dynamic gets.
This is about the relational health you bring to sex – not about how much you want it. (More on this in a future post about what healthy relating looks like and what it means for your sex life.)
The Dance
Here’s what actually happens in couples with “mismatched desire”:
The higher desire partner pursues. The lower desire partner withdraws.
Pursuit triggers more withdrawal. Withdrawal triggers more pursuit.
This creates what I call The Dance – an interlocking pattern that keeps you both stuck.
The higher-desire partner’s pursuit protects the lower-desire partner from having to access their own authentic desire. The lower desire partner’s shutdown protects the higher desire partner from having to face their anxiety and learn self-regulation.
Meanwhile, the lower desire partner experiences their own internal tangle – what I call The Knot – a somatic-emotional response that gets triggered every time sex comes up: guilt, fear, anger, freeze.
You’re stuck together in patterns that neither of you created consciously, but both of you maintain.
So What Actually Helps?
If you’ve been trying to “fix” desire, you’ve been focusing on the wrong thing.
The work isn’t about wanting more sex or wanting it less. The work is about:
For higher desire partners:
- Learning to manage your own arousal and anxiety (not outsourcing it)
- Developing the capacity to tolerate “no” without falling apart
- Attuning to your partner as a separate person with their own experience
- Choosing relational joy over sexual gratification
- Understanding how your pursuit keeps the dance going
For lower desire partners:
- Reclaiming bodily autonomy (your body, your choice)
- Learning to say an authentic “no” without fear
- Stopping the sex clock (you’re not responsible for managing your partner’s mood)
- Accessing your own authentic wanting (not performing desire)
- Working with The Knot (your internal shutdown response)
- Understanding how your withdrawal keeps the dance going
For both of you:
- Building capacity to repair after conflict
- Learning to invite and decline with respect
- Growing your tolerance for disappointment and differences
- Working with your early learned patterns
- Breaking out of the dance together
- Creating safety in your nervous systems
For a deeper dive into how this dynamic works and what both partners need to address, read Mismatched Desire in Relationships: Explained.
The One Thing I Want You to Know
After working with hundreds of clients, here’s what I can tell you:
This is so freaking common. And you’re not broken.
You don’t have a desire problem. You have a dynamic problem.
And dynamics can change – but only when you stop trying to fix desire and start working on the patterns between you.
The mismatch isn’t the issue. What you do with the mismatch is everything.
Want Help With This?
If you recognized your relationship in this post, that’s not an accident. This is the dynamic I work with every day. I help couples and individuals stop focusing on the wrong thing and start working on what’s actually keeping them stuck. In person in Ithaca or virtually anywhere in the US.
Learn more about working together here. Book a free consultation here.
Dr. Lori Davis is a Doctor of Nursing Practice, board-certified Family Nurse Practitioner, and AASECT Certified Sex Counselor who specializes in couples with mismatched desire dynamics. She teaches sexuality counseling at the University of Michigan.
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