Your relationship feels… fine.

You’re not fighting. You’re not unhappy. But you’re also not really connected.

Sex feels like a chore. Intimacy feels forced. You’re roommates who occasionally have obligatory sex and call it a relationship.

Here’s what most relationship advice gets wrong: You don’t need better communication skills. You don’t need date night. You don’t need couples therapy (yet).

What you need is to actually feel each other again.

Not through talking. Not through doing things together. But through practices that create genuine presence, nervous system regulation, and embodied connection.

These five intimacy practices can help you reconnect – without pressure, without performance, without having to process your feelings for hours.

Why Most Intimacy Advice Doesn’t Work

Let me guess what you’ve already tried:

“Communicate your needs” – You tried. It turned into a fight about who’s more stressed.

“Schedule date night” – You go through the motions. Dinner, small talk, back to the same disconnection.

“Try something new in bed” – You’re not even comfortable with the basics right now. New positions aren’t the problem.

Here’s the truth: You can’t think or talk your way into intimacy.

Intimacy happens in the body. It requires your nervous systems to be regulated enough to actually feel safe with each other. It requires presence – something neither of you has had in months.

These five practices work because they bypass your thinking mind entirely. They work on a physiological level to create the conditions where connection becomes possible.

Practice 1: Synchronized Breathing

What it is: Breathing together with your partner in rhythm.

Why it works: Your nervous systems are designed to coregulate. When you breathe together, your heart rates synchronize, stress hormones decrease, and your bodies shift from “doing mode” to “being mode.”

How to do it:

1. Sit or lie down facing each other comfortably
2. Place a hand on each other’s chest
3. Feel the rise and fall of their breath
4. Slowly allow your breaths to synchronize
5. Continue for 5-10 minutes

What to expect: This might feel awkward at first. You might laugh nervously. That’s normal. But as you settle into the rhythm, you’ll likely feel your body relax in ways it hasn’t in a long time.

For a complete guide to synchronized breathing, including variations and deeper practices, read: Synchronized Breathing: A 5-Minute Practice for Couples

Practice 2: Eye Gazing

What it is: Sitting face-to-face with your partner and maintaining soft eye contact for several minutes.

Why it works: Eye contact activates the social engagement system in your nervous system. It signals safety and connection at a primal level. When you can hold your partner’s gaze without looking away, you’re practicing vulnerability and presence.

How to do it:

1. Sit facing each other, close enough to comfortably see each other’s eyes
2. Set a timer for 3-5 minutes (start shorter if this feels intense)
3. Look into each other’s eyes – not aggressively, but softly
4. Notice what comes up – emotions, discomfort, laughter, tears
5. Stay with it

What to expect: This is surprisingly vulnerable. You might cry. You might feel overwhelmed. You might want to look away. All of this is normal. The practice is in staying present anyway.

Pro tip: Combine this with synchronized breathing for an even more powerful experience.

Practice 3: Loving Kindness Meditation (for Each Other)

What it is: A meditation practice where you send genuine well-wishes and compassion toward your partner.

Why it works: When you’re disconnected, it’s easy to focus on your partner’s annoying habits and shortcomings. Loving kindness meditation redirects your attention to genuine care and goodwill – which opens the door to connection.

How to do it:

1. Sit comfortably, either near your partner or alone
2. Close your eyes and bring your partner to mind
3. Silently repeat these phrases (or similar ones):
   • “May you be happy”
   • “May you be healthy”
   • “May you be safe”
   • “May you live with ease”
4. Really feel the intention behind the words
5. Continue for 5-10 minutes

What to expect: At first, this might feel forced or fake – especially if you’re angry or resentful. That’s okay. The practice works even when it feels mechanical. Over time, genuine warmth often emerges.

Variation: Do this practice together out loud, taking turns sending loving kindness to each other.

Practice 4: The Three-Minute Game

What it is: A structured touch practice developed by Harry Faddis and refined by Dr. Betty Martin as part of the Wheel of Consent. Partners take turns making two different offers about touch.

Why it works: Most couples fall into patterns where one person always initiates and the other responds. This practice helps both partners practice asking for what they want, giving, receiving, and allowing – skills that are essential for intimacy but rarely practiced explicitly.

How to do it:

The game has two rounds with two offers each:

Offer #1: “How would you like me to touch you for 3 minutes?”

• The receiver asks for specific touch they want
• The giver does it for them
• Set a 3-minute timer
• Examples: “Scratch my back,” “Hold my hand,” “Stroke my hair”

Offer #2: “How would you like to touch me for 3 minutes?”

• The toucher asks for what they want to explore
• The receiver allows them to do it
• Set a 3-minute timer
• Examples: “May I feel your arms?” “May I explore your back?” “May I run my fingers through your hair?”

Then switch roles and repeat both offers.

Important guidelines:

• Start with non-sexual touch (hands, arms, back, hair, face)
• Negotiate boundaries before starting: “Anywhere except…”
• The receiver’s job is to notice what they feel and communicate if something doesn’t feel good
• If you’re asked for something you’re not willing to give, say so immediately
• 3 minutes keeps it contained and clear

What to expect: This practice reveals a lot – about your ability to ask for what you want, your comfort with receiving pleasure, your willingness to give, and your capacity to allow your partner to take what they need from you. It’s simple but surprisingly profound.

Why this matters for intimacy: Many people struggle to ask for what they want sexually because they’ve never practiced asking for what they want in non-sexual touch. This practice builds that skill.

Learn more about the Wheel of Consent at BettyMartin.com or SchoolofConsent.org

Practice 5: Mirror Touch

What it is: A practice where you show your partner how you want to be touched by touching them that way first – and they mirror it back to you.

Why it works: Most of us assume we know what our partner likes. We don’t ask. We don’t check. Mirror touch breaks this pattern by creating a direct feedback loop: “This is how I like it. Now show me.”

How to do it:

1. Decide who goes first
2. The first person shows their partner where and how they like to be touched by demonstrating on their partner’s body
3. Start with non-erogenous zones (arms, hands, shoulders, back)
4. The partner receiving the demonstration pays close attention
5. Then the partner mirrors this touch back – same location, same pressure, same speed
6. Switch roles

Example:

• You want your partner to stroke your arm gently with fingertips
• You stroke their arm gently with fingertips to show them
• They mirror this back on your arm
• You receive exactly the touch you wanted

What to expect: This eliminates guessing. It’s incredibly clarifying. Many couples discover they’ve been touching each other in ways that feel good to them but not necessarily to their partner.

Advanced version: Once you’re comfortable with this practice, try it with primary erogenous zones (chest, genitals). It becomes a powerful way to communicate sexual preferences without words.

This practice comes from Tantric traditions and is described in detail in Markie Twist’s work on Tantra-informed communication practices.

How to Use These Practices

Start with one practice at a time. Don’t try to do all five in one evening. That’s overwhelming and defeats the purpose.

Here’s a suggested progression:

Week 1-2: Synchronized Breathing

• Practice 3-4 times per week
• 5-10 minutes each time
• Build comfort with being present together

Week 3-4: Add Eye Gazing

• Continue synchronized breathing
• Add eye gazing 2-3 times per week
• Start with 3 minutes, work up to 5-10

Week 5-6: Add Loving Kindness Meditation

• Practice individually or together
• Notice if your feelings toward your partner shift

Week 7-8: Introduce the Three-Minute Game

• Start with non-sexual touch only
• Play all four rounds (both offers, both roles)
• Notice what’s easy and what’s challenging

Week 9+: Add Mirror Touch

• Continue with whichever practices feel most valuable
• Use mirror touch to deepen physical communication

When to Practice (And When Not To)

Use these practices when:

• You feel disconnected from your partner
• You want intimacy but don’t know how to start
• You’re both stressed and need to regulate together
• You want to build a foundation for sex without jumping straight there
• Things are good and you want to maintain connection

These practices are especially powerful:

• Before having difficult conversations (regulates nervous systems first)
• As regular intimacy maintenance (even when things are good)
• When sex has become routine and you want to reconnect
• After conflict, when you’re ready to repair but words aren’t working

Don’t use these practices:

• As a manipulation to get sex
• When one partner is doing it under pressure or obligation
• As a substitute for addressing serious relationship problems
• When there’s active abuse or safety concerns in the relationship

What These Practices Are Not

Let me be clear about what these practices are NOT:

They’re not foreplay. The goal isn’t to get turned on or have sex. If arousal happens, fine. But that’s not the point.

They’re not a cure-all. If you have deep relational trauma, unresolved conflict, or fundamental incompatibility, these practices alone won’t fix it. But they can create the conditions where repair becomes possible.

They’re not a replacement for therapy. If you need couples therapy, get couples therapy. These practices can complement therapy but shouldn’t replace it when professional help is needed.

They’re not one-time magic. You won’t do synchronized breathing once and suddenly feel deeply connected. These are practices – meaning they work through repetition and consistency.

The Real Goal: Creating Conditions for Connection

Here’s what I want you to understand:

You cannot force intimacy. But you can create the conditions where it naturally emerges.

These five practices create those conditions by:

• Regulating your nervous systems together
• Building safety and trust in your bodies
• Practicing vulnerability without words
• Learning to ask for and receive what you want
• Breaking patterns of disconnection and reactivity

Intimacy isn’t something you do. It’s something you allow when your body feels safe enough to soften, open, and connect.

5-10 minutes of genuine presence is worth more than hours of distracted togetherness.

Start with one practice. See what happens. Build from there.

Your relationship doesn’t need to be perfect to start practicing. It just needs to be worth showing up for.

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Want to deepen your intimate connection?

Individual and/or couples sex counseling can help you understand the patterns that disconnect you from your partner and learn practices that build genuine intimacy. Learn more about sex counseling.

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Dr. Lori Davis is a Doctor of Nursing Practice, board-certified Family Nurse Practitioner, and AASECT Certified Sex Counselor. She specializes in somatic approaches to intimacy, mismatched desire, and relational communication. She teaches sexuality counseling at the University of Michigan.

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Further reading:

• Synchronized Breathing: A 5-Minute Practice for Couples
• Why Don’t I Want Sex Anymore? Understanding Responsive Desire
• My Partner Never Wants Sex: Understanding Mismatched Desire
• How to Initiate Sex When It Feels Awkward