by Dr. Lori Davis, DNP, FNP-C, Clinical Sexologist and Sex Counselor
You initiate. They’re tired. A few days later, you try again. They’re stressed. You wait for them to come to you. They don’t.
And every rejection chips away at something.
You’re starting to wonder if they’re still attracted to you. If something is wrong with your relationship. If this is just how it’s going to be.
Here’s what I need you to understand before we go any further: your partner’s lack of desire probably isn’t what you think it is. It’s not that they don’t find you attractive. It’s not low libido. It’s likely something called responsive desire. And how you’ve been responding to it may be making it worse. Understanding all of that changes everything.
TL;DR
- Responsive desire is real and common — your partner’s desire emerges in response to context and arousal, not before it
- This probably isn’t about attraction — but how you’ve been responding to it may be making it worse
- Pressure kills responsive desire — urgency, sulking, and keeping score are all brakes
- The on-ramp matters — touch, safety, and emotional connection are the conditions desire needs
- A no right now is not a verdict — how you handle it determines what happens next
Two Different Ways Desire Works
Maybe you find yourself thinking about sex during the day. You get turned on without any particular trigger. Desire just shows up, ready to go.
That’s called spontaneous desire. And if that’s how your desire works, it probably feels like the normal, default way desire is supposed to work. Which means when your partner doesn’t seem to experience it that way, it looks like a problem. Like absence. Like rejection.
But there’s something most people don’t know: there are two distinct ways desire works, and one of them looks completely invisible from the outside.
Spontaneous desire arrives before anything sexual happens. Desire comes first, then arousal, then action.
Responsive desire works the other way around. It emerges in response to context, touch, or arousal that’s already begun. Nothing yet, then something starts, then arousal builds, then desire shows up.
Neither is broken. Neither is better. They’re just different starting points.
If your partner rarely thinks about sex spontaneously, rarely initiates, and seems lukewarm at the start but gets into it once things are underway, they may have responsive desire. That’s not the same as not wanting you. It’s a different ignition system. You can learn more about responsive desire here and about the overall dynamic between higher desire and lower desire partners here.
Why This Feels Like Rejection
I know what you’re thinking: they used to want me. What changed?
Here’s what probably happened. At the beginning of your relationship, everything was new. Your partner may have experienced more spontaneous desire, the way new relationship energy tends to produce. They initiated more. Sex felt easy.
In long-term relationships, it’s common for desire to shift from spontaneous to responsive. The novelty of early relationship energy fades, and what’s left is a desire style that needs more context, more conditions, more of an on-ramp. This isn’t a sign something has gone wrong. It’s actually a pretty normal transition.
Neither of you had a framework for understanding it, so you interpreted it as rejection, and they started feeling pressured and broken.
The problem isn’t the shift itself. The problem is the meaning you’ve made of it.
What’s Actually Killing Their Desire
If your partner has responsive desire, certain things make it nearly impossible for them to access. Most of them are things you’re probably doing without realizing it.
Pressure. It doesn’t just come from asking too often. It comes from urgency in how you ask, from the way your body language changes when they say no, from tracking how many days it’s been, from every touch that carries an expectation. Responsive desire needs space to emerge. Pressure, in any form, closes that space before anything has a chance to happen.
Touch that isn’t safe anymore. Once mismatched desire dynamics are established, something quietly breaks down. If every touch might be leading somewhere, your partner can’t relax into a hug. They can’t enjoy affection without bracing. And when there’s no safe touch, there are no conditions for desire to build. You’ve inadvertently taken away one of the most important on-ramps.
Stress and mental load. If your partner is managing the majority of household responsibilities, childcare, or emotional labor in the relationship, their nervous system has no bandwidth for sexuality. You cannot access desire when you’re mentally running tomorrow’s to-do list.
Emotional disconnection. Responsive desire needs emotional safety. If there’s unresolved conflict, resentment, or distance in the relationship, sex feels impossible. Not because they don’t want you, but because the foundation isn’t there.
The word “sex” itself. For many people with responsive desire, the question “do you want to have sex?” triggers an immediate physical reaction. Not arousal. The opposite. The word carries a whole package of expectations, performance pressure, and outcome. It’s already a brake before anything has started. You can read more about that here.
What You’re Probably Doing Wrong
You’re not doing this on purpose. But these patterns are almost universal in couples with mismatched desire, and they make things significantly worse.
Initiating from urgency. When desire has been building for days, or the last sexual encounter feels like it was months ago, initiation comes loaded with urgency. The ask isn’t really an invitation. It’s a pressure release. Your partner can feel that urgency, and urgency is a brake. It communicates: I need this, I’ve been waiting, this is about me. That’s not an open door. That’s a demand dressed as a question.
Reacting to no. When they say no, you get quiet. You don’t mean to punish them, but your disappointment is palpable. What this communicates is: saying no is costly. And the next time you initiate, that cost is already factored in. The brake is already engaged before anything starts. You can read more about what happens during initiation [here].
Keeping score. “It’s been two weeks.” “We used to do it three times a week.” Tracking frequency turns sex into a performance metric. Your partner feels this, and it kills desire.
The all-or-nothing approach. You either want full sex or nothing at all. But responsive desire needs on-ramps: making out, touching, intimacy that doesn’t have to lead anywhere. If every physical touch is a sexual bid, your partner will start avoiding all touch. You’ve removed the very conditions that make desire possible.
What Actually Helps
Stop taking it personally. Their lack of spontaneous desire is not about your attractiveness or your worth. It’s about how their desire functions. This is the foundational shift, and without it, nothing else works.
Create context, not pressure. Responsive desire needs conditions: emotional connection, safety, touch that isn’t going anywhere, a nervous system that isn’t braced, pleasure that is for them. These aren’t nice-to-haves. They’re the mechanism. Focus on building them rather than on getting to sex.
Change how you initiate. A warm, low-stakes invitation is already an accelerator. Urgency, sulking, and repeated moves your partner has asked you to stop are already brakes. “Want to make out and see where it goes?” lands completely differently than “do you want to have sex?” It creates space for a real answer instead of demanding desire that isn’t there yet.
Handle no differently. Here’s something I see consistently in my practice. The higher desire partner initiates. The lower desire partner checks inside, finds neutral, and says no. The higher desire partner reacts. The conversation is over. But when the higher desire partner can stay regulated, stay warm, and let the no just be a no right now without making it an event, something interesting often happens. The lower desire partner, in that more open and unpressured space, comes back. A no in the moment is not a verdict. How you handle it determines what happens next.
Give them time to warm up. Don’t expect immediate enthusiasm. Let desire build. Their lukewarm response at the beginning doesn’t mean they won’t get there. It means they’re starting from neutral, which is where they always start.
Consider scheduling. I know. Scheduled sex isn’t spontaneous. But your desire is spontaneous. Theirs isn’t. Scheduling gives them time to mentally prepare, reduce stress, and create conditions. For someone with responsive desire, anticipation can itself become an on-ramp.
When It’s Something More
Sometimes mismatched desire isn’t just about desire styles. It’s worth getting help if:
Your partner never enjoys sex, even once it starts. Responsive desire means desire emerges with arousal. If that’s not happening, something else is going on: pain, trauma, relationship issues, or something medical worth addressing.
There’s significant unresolved conflict or resentment. If you’re fighting about everything else too, the sex issue is probably a symptom of something larger.
Your partner feels coerced or obligated. If they’re saying yes when they mean no, or if pressure or guilt have been part of how sex happens, trust has been damaged. That needs repair before desire can return.
The sex you’re having isn’t working for them. If sex is painful, or focused almost entirely on your pleasure, or routinely unsatisfying for your partner, responsive desire has nothing good to respond to.
The Hard Truth
You cannot pressure someone into wanting you. The more you push, the more they pull away. The more costly saying no becomes, the harder it is for them to say yes.
Responsive desire needs space, safety, and connection. Pressure destroys all three.
This doesn’t mean your needs don’t matter. It doesn’t mean you have to accept a sexless relationship. It means you need to understand how your partner’s desire actually works so you can stop working against it.
The question isn’t “why doesn’t my partner want me?”
The question is “what conditions does my partner’s desire need, and am I creating them?”
Answer that honestly, and everything changes.
Working with Me
If your partner never seems to want sex, you’re probably carrying a lot. Confusion, rejection, loneliness. This is exactly the dynamic I work with. I help couples and individuals understand what’s actually happening and find a way through it. In person in Ithaca or virtually anywhere in the US.
Learn more about working together here. Book a free consultation here.
Dr. Lori Davis is a Doctor of Nursing Practice, board-certified Family Nurse Practitioner, and AASECT Certified Sex Counselor specializing in desire discrepancy and sexual health in long-term relationships. She teaches sexuality counseling at the University of Michigan.
Working with Me
If your partner never seems to want sex, you’re probably carrying a lot. Confusion, rejection, loneliness. This is exactly the dynamic I work with. I help couples and individuals understand what’s actually happening and find a way through it. In person in Ithaca or virtually anywhere in the US.
Learn more about working together here. Book a free consultation here.
Dr. Lori Davis is a Doctor of Nursing Practice, board-certified Family Nurse Practitioner, and AASECT Certified Sex Counselor specializing in mismatched desire and sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships. She teaches sexuality counseling at the University of Michigan.
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