by Dr. Lori Davis, DNP, FNP-C, Clinical Sexologist and Sex Counselor
“I never just want sex out of nowhere. My partner is frustrated that I never think about it and that I don’t initiate. I like it when we do it and feel like, ‘Why don’t we do this more often?’ but then I always forget about it again. It just seems to keep getting worse, the more we argue about it. What is wrong with me? Maybe I just have low libido and we are doomed.”
I hear this constantly in my practice. If you’ve been asking yourself why you don’t want sex anymore, you’re not alone. And the answer is simple: Nothing is wrong with you.
But let me guess what you’ve been told:
- “Maybe you should get your hormones checked.”
- “You just need to relax more.”
- “You used to want it. Do you not find your partner attractive anymore?”
- “Try to think more about sex. Maybe have a glass of wine.”
Here’s what no one explains: the way you experience desire is completely normal. You just haven’t had a name for it yet.
TL;DR
- Desire has an accelerator and a brake — both are always running, the question is which one is winning
- Spontaneous desire isn’t magic — it just means someone’s accelerators are already running quietly in the background
- Responsive desire starts from neutral — not broken, not off, just not there yet
- Neutral isn’t no — but we read it that way, and that’s where the whole thing goes sideways
- Shame is a brake — believing something is wrong with you makes desire harder to access, not easier
- The goal isn’t to jumpstart desire — it’s to allow in pleasure and see what happens next
- How initiation happens matters enormously — the on-ramp is already part of the conditions
First, Let’s Talk About How Desire Actually Works
We tend to think of desire as something that either shows up or doesn’t. You either want sex or you don’t. And if you don’t, something must be wrong.
But desire isn’t a switch. It’s a system.
Sex researchers John Bancroft and Erick Janssen developed something called the Dual Control Model, which describes two systems operating at the same time in every person. An accelerator and a brake.
Your accelerator responds to things that turn you on. Your brake responds to everything that gets in the way: stress, exhaustion, conflict with your partner, pain, body image, medications like antidepressants or hormonal birth control, feeling disconnected, feeling pressured, feeling like sex is one more thing on your to-do list.
Both systems are always running. The question is which one is winning.
This is the foundation for understanding desire in any form. And it’s the reason two people in the same relationship can have such different experiences of wanting sex.
What We Call “Spontaneous” Desire Isn’t Actually Spontaneous
You know the person who seems to just want sex out of nowhere? They’re washing dishes and suddenly think, “I want to have sex tonight.” No particular trigger. It just appears.
We call this spontaneous desire. And we’ve decided it’s the normal, healthy version.
But here’s the thing: it isn’t actually spontaneous. That person has a lifetime of experiences, associations, body chemistry, and context that are all feeding their accelerator quietly in the background. Their brakes just aren’t very loud. So desire seems to arrive on its own, without effort.
It isn’t magic. It’s just a system where the accelerators are winning and the brakes aren’t getting in the way very much.
That matters, because it means spontaneous desire isn’t a higher or better form of desire. It’s just what desire looks like when the conditions are already in place.
Responsive Desire: Starting From Neutral
If spontaneous desire is a system where the accelerators are already running, responsive desire is a system that starts from neutral.
Not off. Not broken. Neutral.
You’re not thinking about sex. You’re not particularly interested in sex. But you’re also not opposed to it. You’re just… not there yet.
This is where a lot of people get into trouble. Their partner initiates, or asks, or reaches over in bed. And they check inside. Is there desire there? Is there interest? And they find: nothing. Neutral.
And neutral gets read as no.
That’s understandable. We’ve been taught that desire is supposed to come first, so if it’s not there when you check, it must mean you don’t want it. The answer must be no. And then the no triggers its own cascade: “I don’t want sex again, something is wrong with me, my partner is going to be hurt, here we go again.”
But neutral isn’t no. It’s just your starting point.
Responsive desire means desire isn’t there yet. It doesn’t mean desire can’t get there. Those are two completely different things.
Why Responsive Desire Gets Misread as Low Libido
Here’s where the damage happens.
If you believe desire should be spontaneous, and yours is responsive, you’ll think you have low libido. The thought process goes like this:
“I never just want sex.”
“Normal people want sex spontaneously.”
“Therefore something is wrong with me.”
“I must have low libido. I must be broken. I must not love my partner enough.”
And then what happens? You feel broken. Shame creeps in. Sex becomes something to dread because it reminds you of what’s “wrong” with you.
And here’s the part nobody tells you: shame is a brake. Anxiety is a brake. Dreading the conversation is a brake. The story that you’re broken is a brake.
So the misunderstanding doesn’t just hurt. It actively makes things worse. The more broken you feel, the harder it is for desire to show up, which confirms the story that something is wrong with you, which makes you feel more broken. It’s a cycle, and it feeds itself.
Over time, as stress about sex grows in the relationship, it doesn’t feel like you ever start from neutral. You are on edge around your partner any time sex is a possibility and the brakes are already engaged. Understanding that this is a brake, not a verdict about your desire, is the first step to working with it.
What You Actually Need
If you have responsive desire, you’re not looking for a way to manufacture desire out of nothing. You’re looking for conditions where desire can actually emerge.
That means two things: clearing the brakes and giving the accelerator something to work with.
Clearing the brakes looks like: not carrying unresolved conflict into the bedroom, not being exhausted or overwhelmed, not feeling pressured or obligated, not being on medications that dampen your response, not being in pain, feeling emotionally safe with your partner.
Giving the accelerator something to work with looks like: touch that feels good before it’s sexual, emotional connection that isn’t tied to a sexual agenda, time to transition out of task mode, feeling desired rather than just needed.
But here’s the most important reframe: the goal isn’t to jumpstart desire. The goal is to allow in pleasure and see what happens next.
Pleasure and relaxation are the ingredients for arousal. That’s it. You can’t force arousal. You can only create the conditions that make it possible and hold them open. If arousal shows up, wonderful. If it doesn’t, you’ve still had pleasure and relaxation and closeness with someone you love. Is that so bad?
This is what working with responsive desire actually looks like. Not trying harder. Not waiting longer. Not performing enthusiasm you don’t feel. Just: what would feel good right now, with no particular destination in mind?
How Initiation Changes Everything
One more thing that rarely gets discussed: for someone with responsive desire, the way sex gets initiated matters enormously.
Remember, responsive desire starts from neutral. The first input into that neutral state is usually a question of some kind. A touch. A look. An ask. And how that question lands can either open things up or slam the brakes shut before anything has a chance to happen.
There are so many ways that initiation efforts can go wrong. And one of the biggest problems in long term relationships is failure to initiate pleasure and intimacy in ways that work. You can read more about that here. How does your partner’s initiation make you feel?
Even something as seemingly innocuous as “Do you want to have SEX?” lands differently than “Do you want to spend some time together later?” You can read more about why I banned the word sex from my office here.
This isn’t about tiptoeing around you. It’s about understanding that the on-ramp matters. For someone whose desire emerges in response to conditions, the conditions start the moment initiation begins. A clunky or pressured ask is already a brake. A warm, low-stakes invitation is already an accelerator.
This is worth a conversation with your partner. Not in the moment, but outside of it. What kinds of initiation feel like an open door? What kinds feel like a demand? You probably know. They probably don’t or they haven’t been listening, so remind them again.
If you’re navigating this in a relationship where desire has been mismatched for a while, it helps to understand the bigger pattern at play. Read more here.
The Bottom Line
Desire isn’t one-size-fits-all. And spontaneous desire isn’t the gold standard. It’s just one way a system can work, and it looks effortless because the conditions are already quietly in place.
Responsive desire means you start from neutral. It means your system needs the brakes cleared and the accelerator engaged before desire shows up. It means you’re not broken. You’re not low libido. You don’t love your partner any less.
You just need different conditions. And knowing that changes everything.
Working with Me
Understanding your desire style is the first step. Actually working with it, clearing the brakes, creating the right conditions, and stopping the shame cycle, is where the real change happens. I help individuals and couples do exactly that. In person in Ithaca or virtually anywhere in the US.
Learn more about working together here. Book a free consultation here.
Dr. Lori Davis is a Doctor of Nursing Practice, board-certified Family Nurse Practitioner, and AASECT Certified Sex Counselor specializing in desire discrepancy and sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships. She teaches sexuality counseling at the University of Michigan.
Further reading:
No Sex Drive? What your doctor should ask (but probably won’t)
My Partner Never Wants Sex: Understanding Mismatched Desire
The Initiation Problem: The Root of Mismatched Desire
