“We should probably have sex tonight. It’s been a while.”
You know the feeling. That mix of obligation and dread. The mental calculation of how long it’s been. The knowledge that your partner wants it, needs it, is probably waiting for you to initiate or agree.
And the exhaustion of knowing that sex feels like a chore—another item on your endless to-do list that you’re failing to check off.
Here’s what I want you to know: If sex feels like a chore, something needs to change. But it’s not you.
I think so many people are feeling the increased pressures of productivity, performance, and perfectionism. The sense that our lives are governed by our to-do list from the moment we rise till we go to bed at night.
And here’s what happened: Sex became another item on that list.
The “me time” that research shows we desperately need for our mental and physical health has somehow transformed from what makes us feel good into what we feel obligated to check off. Three-mile power walk? Check. Expensive face mask? Check. Meditation app? Check. Sex with partner? Check.
But that’s not self-care. That’s self-optimization masquerading as care.
And when sex feels like a chore—something you should do rather than something you want to do—it’s not intimacy. It’s just another task you’re performing for someone else.
It’s time to bring sex back to what it’s supposed to be: pleasure, connection, and something that nourishes you rather than depletes you.
When we reframe sex as self care—as what our body is actually asking for, not what we’ve been told we should want—everything changes.
TL;DR
- When sex feels like a chore, you’re not broken — you’re exhausted and treating sex like another obligation
- Sex has become a to-do list item — we’ve turned pleasure into performance and productivity
- Real self-care means listening to your body — not checking boxes on a frequency schedule
- Reframing sex as self-care changes everything — it becomes shared pleasure, not a task to complete
- Ask yourself what would feel good right now — your body already knows the answer
- You have permission to reclaim sex as nourishment — not something you owe, but something that feeds you
Why Sex Feels Like a Chore (And How We Got Here)
As a sex counselor and menopause expert, I work with countless women and their partners to bring sex back into relationships. But often, the conversation goes far beyond sex as we start to peel back the layers of what’s really causing stress and tension—both in the relationship and within their own bodies.
The pattern I see again and again: People treat sex the same way they treat everything else in their lives. As something to optimize. To perform. To perfect. To check off the list.
When sex feels like a chore, it’s usually not because you have low libido or a medical problem. It’s because you’ve been conditioned to approach sex—like everything else—through the lens of productivity and obligation.
From the three-mile power walk in the morning to the intense sauna session to kick a few pounds, we do these things because they help us reach some other end goal—like losing weight or keeping up with the next big wellness trend.
Not because they bring us pleasure and joy.
Self-care practices should be an opportunity for you to listen to what your body is asking you for in a certain moment, rather than what you have programmed on your to-do list.
And sex? When sex feels like a chore, it’s because you’ve stopped listening to what you want and started performing what you think you should do.
Coming Back to Basics: What Does Self-Care Actually Feel Like?
Instead of letting your to-do list dictate what self-care practices you prioritize, consider setting aside dedicated time for self-care without specifying exactly what activity you’ll be doing.
Swap the three-mile power walk for a few brief minutes to do a quick morning check-in: How are you feeling this morning? What do you really want right now?
If you’re quiet and settle in, you’ll begin to hear your body signal what it truly wants.
Ask yourself this question: What would feel good right now?
The secret is that the answer to this question—and the true definition of self-care—is that it can be anything.
You may wake up and find that your body does in fact desire a morning walk. But it also might want something else: deep slow stretching, a warm matcha, or even to sink back into bed with your partner for a little bit of personal time between the sheets.
This dedicated time for pleasure is what self-care is all about.
There are lots of different things that can be a part of self-care: rest, naps, exercise, meditation, contemplation, creative endeavors, play, sports, skill building, and of course being in relationship with family, friends, and lovers.
Lists like this can help spark our imagination and help us remember. But I think the critical question is: What does it feel like when you are taking care of yourself? What is the felt sense of self-care for you in particular in this moment?
When Sex Feels Like a Chore, You’ve Lost the Plot
Many of my clients—especially those with responsive desire who don’t spontaneously think about sex—describe sex feels like a chore. Another thing their partner is waiting for them to accomplish. Another expectation they’re failing to meet.
They say things like:
- “I know it’s been too long, so I just get it over with”
- “I feel guilty if we don’t have sex regularly”
- “It’s easier to just do it than deal with the tension”
- “I used to enjoy it, but now it’s just one more thing on my plate”
This is the opposite of sex as self care.
When sex feels like a chore, when it’s driven by obligation rather than desire, when it’s about meeting someone else’s needs at the expense of your own—that’s not intimacy. That’s self-abandonment.
Here’s what needs to shift:
From: “I should have sex because it’s been too long and my partner is frustrated” To: “What would feel good to me right now? What kind of connection am I hungry for?”
From: “I need to get through this so I can check it off the list” To: “I’m choosing to be here, to be present, to explore what pleasure feels like in my body”
From: “Sex means intercourse and my partner’s orgasm” To: “Sex means whatever we decide feels good—touching, kissing, breathing together, being close”
The Reframe: Sex as Self Care
If self-care is really about pleasure and listening to your body, then sex as self care fits perfectly into this definition.
In fact, it’s the prototype for self-care.
Yes, we have sex to procreate. But most of the time, sex is a form of shared self-care through pleasure with another person.
It’s time that we start to understand the value of sex as something that nourishes us, not depletes us.
When we view sex through the lens of self-care, sex becomes whatever you and your partner decide makes you feel good, connected, creative, naughty, playful, alive—and all the other adjectives you seek to feel.
Sex as self care isn’t about:
- Performing for your partner
- Checking it off a frequency list
- Meeting some imaginary standard
- Maintaining your relationship through obligation
- Looking a certain way or doing specific things
Sex as self care is about:
- Listening to what your body actually wants
- Communicating vulnerably with your partner
- Surrendering to pleasure and presence
- Feeling good in your own skin
- Connection that nourishes both of you
This is how you move from sex feeling like a chore to sex feeling like care.
The Opportunity for Vulnerable Communication
Sex as self care is an opportunity to communicate on a profound and vulnerable level. It’s an opportunity to ask for what you want.
Consider asking your partner: “How would you like to be touched for the next few minutes?”
You can also explain to them what makes you feel good.
This is the foundation of practices like the Three-Minute Game from the Wheel of Consent – structured ways to practice asking for and receiving what you want.
The opportunity to surrender to your body’s desire, paired with the value of communicating with your partner, can create harmony both within yourself and in your relationship.
Research consistently shows that couples who have satisfying sex lives report better communication, greater relationship satisfaction, and improved overall well-being. But here’s what the research also shows: it’s not the frequency that matters most—it’s whether both partners feel the sex they’re having is mutually satisfying and connected.
The Permission to Be “Self-ish”
Self-care is a time for us to be self “ish.”
I think some forms of selfishness have gotten a bad rap. I would argue that it is critical that we take time to be with ourselves and to take care of ourselves.
This is the essential work of having a self.
I think we need that independent of its utility in the world. But it is also absolutely essential for being of better service to the world.
You cannot pour from an empty cup. You cannot give what you haven’t received. You cannot be present for others when you’re running on fumes.
And this applies to sex, too.
If you’re approaching sex as something you should do, something you owe your partner, something to check off your relationship maintenance list—you’re not experiencing sex as self care. You’re experiencing it as another obligation.
And obligations don’t nourish us.
The Permission to Be “Self-ish” (Even in Bed)
Self-care is a time for us to be self “ish.”
I think some forms of selfishness have gotten a bad rap. I would argue that it is critical that we take time to be with ourselves and to take care of ourselves.
This is the essential work of having a self.
I think we need that independent of its utility in the world. But it is also absolutely essential for being of better service to the world.
You cannot pour from an empty cup. You cannot give what you haven’t received. You cannot be present for others when you’re running on fumes.
And this applies to sex, too.
If you’re approaching sex as something you should do, something you owe your partner, something to check off your relationship maintenance list—you’re not experiencing sex as self care. You’re experiencing it as another obligation.
And obligations don’t nourish us.
Your pleasure matters. Your rest matters. Your boundaries matter. Caring for yourself is not a luxury—it’s essential.
Even—especially—in the context of your sexual relationship.
How to Get Started: Moving From Chore to Care
I know what you might be thinking: “This sounds nice in theory, but I’m exhausted. I’m touched out. I don’t have space for one more thing, even if that thing is supposed to be pleasure.”
I hear you. And I’m not suggesting you add sex as self care to your already overwhelming list.
I’m suggesting you subtract some things from that list to make space for what actually nourishes you. And I’m suggesting you stop approaching sex as something to get through.
If sex feels like a chore right now, that’s information. Your body is telling you something needs to change.
Here’s how to start:
1. Schedule time without specifying the activity
Block out 30 minutes on your calendar. Don’t label it “sex” or “exercise” or “meditation.” Just label it “self-care time” and see what your body asks for when you arrive at that time.
2. Practice the check-in question
Throughout the day, pause and ask: “What would feel good right now?” Notice what answer comes up. You don’t have to act on it every time. Just practice listening.
3. Talk to your partner about moving from chore to care
Share this concept with them. Explain that when sex feels like a chore, it’s usually not about attraction or desire—it’s about how you’re approaching it. Tell them you want sex to feel like something you’re choosing because it feels good, not something you’re doing out of obligation. Ask them what would make sex feel more like self-care for them, too.
4. Redefine what “counts” as sex
Release the expectation that sex must include intercourse or orgasm. Can we stop using the word “sex” in such a limiting way? What if intimacy, pleasure, and connection counted just as much?
5. Give yourself permission to be “selfish”
Your pleasure matters. Your rest matters. Your boundaries matter. Caring for yourself is not a luxury—it’s essential.
The Invitation: From Obligation to Nourishment
There is real tension between self-care and the to-do list. I think if we can find spaces in our lives that exist outside of the to-do list, this would be a great thing and so important for being able to experience self-care—including sex—as something you are enjoying in and of itself.
However, if your life is governed by a calendar and a long to-do list (and whose isn’t?), you’ll need to schedule time and create an intention to make it happen.
But here’s what I want you to remember: When sex feels like a chore, something needs to change—but you don’t need to add anything. You need to subtract the obligation and add back the pleasure.
Sex as self care isn’t another obligation. It’s an invitation.
An invitation to:
- Listen to your body
- Ask for what you want
- Receive pleasure without guilt
- Connect with your partner in ways that feel good to both of you
- Play, explore, be curious
- Feel alive in your own skin
So many people are feeling a need for some sort of rebalancing of this equation of life—where we have time for presence, peace, purpose, and rest.
Sex as self care can be part of that rebalancing.
It’s time to play.
Ready to stop treating sex like a chore?
Individual sex counseling can help you understand what’s blocking your access to pleasure and how to reclaim sex as something that nourishes you rather than depletes you. When sex feels like a chore, there’s usually a reason—and it’s not that you’re broken. Learn more about sex counseling here.
For couples navigating different relationships with sex and self-care, couples counseling addresses how to create space for both partners to experience sex as care rather than obligation. Learn more about couples counseling here.
Dr. Lori Davis is a Doctor of Nursing Practice, board-certified Family Nurse Practitioner, and AASECT Certified Sex Counselor. She specializes in helping individuals and couples reclaim pleasure, address desire discrepancy, and create sustainable intimacy practices. She teaches sexuality counseling at the University of Michigan.
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