by Dr. Lori Davis, NP | Certified Sex Counselor | Intimacy & Relationship Coach
If you have read about the five losing strategies, you already know what pulls couples apart. The needing to be right, the controlling, the unbridled self-expression, the retaliation, the withdrawal. Most of us have a few favorites. We reach for them automatically, especially when we are hurt or scared or tired of the same conversation.
But knowing what not to do is only half the work.
The five winning strategies are the other half. Also adapted from the work of Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy, these are the moves that actually build something. Not perfectly, not without discomfort, but in the direction of real connection rather than away from it.
Here is the core premise: using these strategies does not guarantee you get what you want. What it guarantees is that you stay in relationship while you work toward it. And in the long run, that is the only path that actually leads somewhere.
The Quickie
The five winning strategies are: Advocate for What You Want, Speak to Make Things Better, Listen to Understand, Respond with Generosity, and Cherish What You Have. Adapted from Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy, these are the moves that build connection instead of eroding it. They are harder than the losing strategies. They are also the only ones that work.
1. Advocate for What You Want
Being relational does not mean being passive. It does not mean swallowing what you need or waiting for your partner to figure it out. In order to be in a relationship, you have to actually be in it. That means daring to rock the boat. Being bold enough to own your right to say something.
The distinction here matters: advocate, do not criticize. Make requests, not complaints. Be specific, be actionable, be consistent. Be brave enough to risk disappointment or rejection. And be prepared to grieve what you do not get without making that grief your partner’s emergency to fix.
This is long-term work. Nurture change in small steps. Help your partner understand what you need and give them the chance to give it to you. That is advocacy. It is not demanding, and it is not silent suffering.
2. Speak to Make Things Better
If you do not have something constructive or loving to say, zip it.
This is not about being dishonest or suppressing your experience. It is about understanding that delivery is part of the message. A completely valid feeling, expressed with contempt or in the wrong moment or with a ten-minute preamble of grievances, will not land. The message gets lost in the delivery. Your partner stops hearing the content and starts managing the tone.
Do not be critical, negative, or past-focused. Use the Feedback Wheel when you need to make a repair, and then let go of the outcome.
The Feedback Wheel has four parts. What I saw and heard. What I made up about it. How I feel about it. What I would like. That structure keeps you honest about the difference between fact and interpretation, and it keeps the conversation about repair rather than prosecution.
3. Listen to Understand
When your partner is speaking, it is not about you.
This one is harder than it sounds. Most of us listen to respond. We are already formulating our counter-argument, our defense, our clarification, before the other person has finished their sentence. We are listening for the moment we can re-establish our own position.
Listening to understand means setting that aside. Being curious about your partner’s perspective rather than threatened by it. Objective reality is not the goal in intimate relationships. It is a dead end. You do not have to agree with your partner. You do not have to share their interpretation of events. But you do need to know them. And they need to know that you understand and respect their experience, even when it differs from yours.
4. Respond with Generosity
Be generous. Acknowledge your part. Validate your partner’s concerns even when you do not fully share them. Give what you can, whenever you can, from an abundant heart.
Terry Real frames this as enlightened self-interest, and that framing is worth sitting with. This is not about martyrdom or endless accommodation. It is about recognizing that your partner’s wellbeing and your own are connected. When you give generously, you are not losing something. You are investing in the relationship you actually want to be in.
Generosity in relationship means not waiting until you feel like being generous. It means choosing it, especially when your adaptive child is insisting that your partner has to go first.
5. Cherish What You Have
Give your partner specific positive feedback and appreciations. Acknowledge and amplify progress whenever you see it. Cultivate sharing. Find time for affection and tenderness. Prioritize your erotic connection even when your relationship is still imperfect.
That last line is worth reading again. Prioritize your erotic connection even when your relationship is still imperfect. Not after you have resolved the conflict. Not once things feel easier. Now, in the middle of the imperfection, with what you have.
Cherishing is an active practice. It is not a feeling that arises when everything is going well. It is a choice to look for what is good and name it out loud. To let your partner know they are seen and valued, specifically and regularly.
Using These Strategies Together
The losing strategies are easy. They come automatically, especially under stress. The winning strategies require intention. They require you to pause before you react, to choose the harder move, to stay in relationship when every instinct is telling you to fight or flee or shut down.
That pause is the practice.
None of these strategies will fix a desire gap overnight. None of them guarantee that your partner will change or that the relationship will become what you want it to be. What they do is keep the door open. They keep you in contact with each other. And in that contact, change becomes possible in a way that it simply is not when you are both running your losing strategies at full volume.
The goal is not a perfect relationship. It is a real one. These strategies are how you stay in it.
Working With Me
If you recognize the losing strategies in your relationship and you are ready to start building something different, this is exactly the work I do. I help couples and individuals develop the relational skills to move from the patterns that keep you stuck toward something that actually works. You can learn more about working together here.
Dr. Lori Davis is a Doctor of Nursing Practice, board-certified Family Nurse Practitioner, and AASECT Certified Sex Counselor specializing in desire discrepancy and sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships. She teaches sexuality counseling at the University of Michigan.
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