by Dr. Lori Davis, NP | Certified Sex Counselor | Intimacy & Relationship Coach
Every couple has patterns. The arguments that seem to follow a script. The moments where you both know exactly how this is going to go, and you do it anyway. If you have ever walked away from a conflict feeling like you “won” but somehow the relationship still lost, you have probably been using one of the five losing strategies.
Adapted from the work of Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy, these are the go-to moves that feel like they should work, and occasionally even feel satisfying in the moment, but chip away at connection over time. I work with these patterns constantly in my practice, and I want to name them clearly, including how they show up not just in everyday conflict, but in the particularly loaded territory of sex and physical intimacy.
Here is the core premise: whenever you are using any of these strategies, you will not get what you actually want. In the moment, it may feel like you are winning. In the long run, you lose relationally.
The Quickie
The five losing strategies are: Needing to Be Right, Controlling, Unbridled Self-Expression, Retaliation, and Withdrawal. Adapted from Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy, these are the protective moves that feel justified but quietly erode connection over time. They show up in everyday conflict and in the bedroom.
1. Needing to Be Right
Being right shows up as appealing to evidence and reason over listening and connection. You are in a conflict and suddenly you are building a case: dates, details, who said what, what the text thread actually says. You are trying to win on the facts.
The problem is that relationships are not courtrooms. When two people experience the same event differently, there is rarely a single objective truth to recover. What there is, is two people with two different experiences, both of which deserve attention. This strategy tries to eradicate differences by arguing about details and who has a better version of reality. In relationship, the real answer to “who is right and who is wrong” is: who cares? You can be right or you can be in relationship. What do you want to fight for?
Any appeal to “normal” is also a being right strategy. Saying “my level of desire is normal and yours is not” or “most couples have sex more than we do” converts a difference in experience into a verdict, and somebody has to lose. That never ends well.
2. Controlling
Control and manipulation show up in many ways. If you are subtly or overtly trying to change your partner, manage their behavior, or have power over their choices, you are likely falling into this losing strategy. This can look like guilt-tripping, persistent pressure, or simply insisting that your way is the right way. Even if you get what you want in the short term, you have lost the real prize of genuine connection, because no one wants to feel managed in an intimate relationship.
3. Unbridled Self-Expression
Venting is not intimacy. You do not need to say everything that enters your head. This strategy looks like long diatribes about how your partner hurt you, or releasing emotional pressure without any concern for how it lands. It often comes wrapped in the justification of “I’m just being honest” or “this is who I am.” But intimacy does not mean complete transparency. The question is always whether you are trying to be understood or whether you are simply trying to get the feeling out, regardless of the cost.
4. Retaliation
Retaliation operates on the logic of “you hurt me, so I’ll hurt you back.” It can show up overtly as cruelty or more subtly as passive-aggression: the cold shoulder, the withholding, the commitment that gets quietly forgotten. It often feels entirely justified because it emerges from the victim position. We believe we have been wronged, and that belief makes meanness feel like a reasonable response. But meanness has no place in intimate relationships, even when you have genuinely been hurt.
Sexual retaliation is something more specific. It is the weaponization of disappointment. There is a meaningful difference between “I am hurt and I want you to know that” and “I am hurt and now you are going to pay for it.” The partner who reaches for more and sulks after a no, picks a fight about something else when the real wound is sexual rejection, or withdraws affection and warmth until sex happens is retaliating. So is the partner who makes cutting remarks about desirability or who uses vulnerability about sex as ammunition in an unrelated argument.
5. Withdrawal
Withdrawal means shutting down, going silent, or leaving conversations when things get difficult. It can look like emotional unavailability, physical distance, or using “I need space” as a strategy rather than genuine self-care. The impact is that the other person feels abandoned and often pursues harder, which creates the classic pursue-withdraw loop that so many couples find themselves stuck in.
Moving Forward
These strategies are normal protective reactions. They developed for good reasons, often long before this relationship, and they can show up overtly or as subtle forms of relational sabotage. The goal is not to judge yourself for using them. The goal is to start recognizing them in the moment and choosing something different.
The antidote is found in a different set of moves entirely, ones that create connection instead of distance. That is a topic for another post.
If you recognize your relationship in any of these patterns, you are not alone. This is some of the most common territory I work in. The fact that you can name it is already a meaningful first step.
Working With Me
If these patterns feel familiar and you are ready to do something about them, I work with couples and individuals navigating exactly this kind of relational gridlock. You can learn more about working together here.
Dr. Lori Davis is a Doctor of Nursing Practice, board-certified Family Nurse Practitioner, and AASECT Certified Sex Counselor specializing in desire discrepancy and sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships. She teaches sexuality counseling at the University of Michigan.
Further Reading
Five Winning Strategies That Will Transform Your Sex Life
Terry Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
Terry Real, The New Rules of Marriage
