The Radical Sexologist

Let’s talk about something that could dramatically improve your sex life tonight—but that most people feel weirdly embarrassed to use.

Lubricant.

If you’re not using it, you’re missing out on better, more comfortable, more pleasurable sex. And if you are using it, you might be using the wrong kind—one that’s actually harming your vaginal health.

Here’s what frustrates me: Lubricant should be as standard as toothpaste. Everyone should have a bottle they love. But instead, most people either don’t use it at all, or they grab whatever’s at the drugstore without knowing what they’re putting in their body.

Why You Should Use Lubricant (Even If You Get Wet)

First, let’s address the elephant in the room: Many people think using lubricant means something is wrong.

Wrong with their body. Wrong with their arousal. Wrong with their relationship.

This is nonsense.

Yes, vaginal lubrication naturally occurs for many people when they’re aroused. And yes, getting wet can feel validating—a visible sign of desire, femininity, sexual vitality.

But here’s the truth: Natural lubrication is not a reliable indicator of arousal.

Emily Nagoski explains this concept brilliantly in Come As You Are when she discusses arousal non-concordance. Your body can respond physiologically to sexual stimuli (getting wet) without your mind being turned on. And conversely, you can be genuinely aroused and not produce much lubrication.

Why? Because lubrication is affected by:

• Hormone levels (especially estrogen)
• Medications (antidepressants, antihistamines, birth control)
• Stress and anxiety
• Dehydration
• Where you are in your menstrual cycle
• Menopause
• Just… individual variation

Every body is unique. Some people produce lots of lubrication. Some don’t. Neither is better or worse.

Carrying shame about not getting wet enough is like carrying shame about not producing enough saliva. It’s just how your body works—and it says nothing about your sexuality or desirability.

The Case for Using Lubricant Every Time

Here’s my recommendation: Use lubricant every time, whether you “need” it or not.

Why?

1. It increases pleasure from the very start
Lubricant on the clitoris, vulva, and vaginal opening feels amazing. It kicks sexual pleasure into high gear immediately, rather than waiting for your body to produce enough natural lubrication.

2. More lubrication can increase arousal
Feeling wetness can signal to your brain that you’re aroused, which can deepen arousal. It’s a positive feedback loop.

3. It takes pressure off your body
When you know lubricant is part of the equation, you don’t have to worry whether you’re “wet enough.” You can focus on pleasure instead of performance.

4. It’s essential for some activities
Anal play requires lubricant (the anus doesn’t self-lubricate). But honestly? Lubricant makes everything better—vulvas, clitorises, penises, nipples, wherever.

The formula is simple: Lubricant + Sexual Play = More Pleasure

There is no shame in the lubricant game.

Not All Lubricants Are Created Equal

Now for the part that most people don’t know: The lubricant you choose actually matters.

That bottle of KY Jelly or Astroglide you grabbed at the grocery store? It might be doing more harm than good.

Many common lubricants contain ingredients that:

• Dry out vaginal tissue
• Disrupt the vaginal microbiome
• Cause irritation or burning
• Increase risk of infections
• May even increase STI transmission risk

I’m not trying to scare you. I’m trying to give you information so you can make good choices for your body.

What you need: A lubricant that’s super slippery AND healthy for your vaginal tissue.

The Four Types of Lubricant (And Which to Choose)

Lubricants fall into four main categories. Here’s what you need to know:

Water-Based Lubricants

Pros:

• Safe with condoms and all sex toys
• Easy to clean up
• Available in many consistencies
• Good option: Good Clean Love

Cons:

• Dry out quickly
• Need reapplication or a few drops of water/saliva to stay slippery
• Not the slipperiest option

Best for: Use with condoms and vibrators

Silicone-Based Lubricants

Pros:

• Stay slippery much longer than water-based
• Hypoallergenic (don’t absorb into skin, no preservatives)
• Great for sensitive or dry skin
• Good option: Uberlube

Cons:

• More expensive
• Cannot be used with silicone sex toys
• Can be harder to clean up

Best for: Maximum slipperiness, skin-to-skin contact, shower sex

Oil-Based Lubricants

Pros:

• Hydrate tissue
• Last a long time
• Natural option available (coconut oil)
• Inexpensive
• Good option: Unrefined coconut oil

Cons:

• NOT compatible with latex condoms (will break down latex)
• Some people report increased infections (though research is mixed)
• Can stain sheets

Best for: Solo play, monogamous fluid-bonded couples not using condoms

Coconut oil tip: Scoop into quarter-sized balls and freeze in a container. Makes it easy to use, avoids contamination, and the cool temperature can be soothing.

Hybrid Lubricants

Pros:

• Combination of water and silicone
• Last longer than water-based but not as long as pure silicone
• Compatible with condoms and most sex toys
• Good option: Sliquid

Cons:

• Some aren’t compatible with silicone toys
• More expensive than water-based

Best for: People who want longevity but need condom compatibility

Ingredients to Avoid

Stay away from lubricants containing:

• Parabens
• Glycerin
• Chlorhexidine
• Mineral oil
• Petroleum
• Propylene glycol
• “Warming” or “arousing” ingredients (these often cause irritation)

Why it matters: Some lubricants have pH levels or osmolality that don’t match the vaginal environment. This can dry out tissue, disrupt the microbiome, and increase risk of irritation and infection.

The World Health Organization actually researched this because they were concerned that bad lubricants could cause tissue damage and increase STI transmission risk. They created guidelines—manufacturers just don’t always follow them.

You Don’t Have to Choose Just One

Here’s the good news: You can have different lubricants for different situations.

Maybe you use:

• Water-based for sex with condoms
• Silicone for skin-to-skin contact when you want maximum slip
• Coconut oil for solo play or massage

Experiment. Find what works for your body and your situations.

What About Vaginal Moisturizers?

You might see moisturizers mixed in with lubricants at the store, but they’re different products with different purposes.

Lubricants: Used as needed during sexual activity

Moisturizers: Used routinely (3-5 times per week) for ongoing vaginal dryness, especially during menopause

Vaginal moisturizers work like facial moisturizers—they hold water in tissue to prevent dehydration. They’re not for sex; they’re for general vulvovaginal health.

Good moisturizer options:

• Hyalo Gyn (contains hyaluronic acid)
• Ah! Yes
• Good Clean Love Moisturizing Vaginal Gel

If you’re experiencing vaginal dryness due to menopause or low estrogen, you likely need both a moisturizer (for daily use) AND a lubricant (for sex).

How to Bring Lubricant Into the Bedroom

Maybe you’re convinced about the benefits but feel awkward actually using it during sex.

I get it. Here’s how to make it less intimidating:

Start with non-genital touch:

1. Caress each other’s hands
2. Add lotion or massage oil
3. Notice how much better friction-reduced touch feels
4. Try it on other body parts—arms, legs, back
5. Realize that sexual lubricant is just the same concept, but formulated to be safe for vulvas

Reframe it mentally:

• Lubricant isn’t a sign of failure; it’s an enhancement
• You wouldn’t feel weird about using toothpaste or shampoo
• Good sex includes tools that increase pleasure

Choose packaging that works for you:

• Some lubricant bottles are very “sexy” looking
• If that feels too explicit, use coconut oil in a plain container
• Or transfer your favorite lubricant into a simple pump bottle

The Bottom Line

Lubricant is the original sex aid—and one of the most underutilized.

Whether you get naturally wet or not, whether you’re having penetrative sex or just external play, whether you’re solo or partnered—lubricant makes everything better.

Find products that work for your body. Use them without shame. And give yourself permission to prioritize your pleasure.

Viva la lubricant! Viva la pleasure!

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Experiencing vaginal dryness, pain with sex, or other concerns?

Sexual medicine consultations can help identify the causes of discomfort and create a comprehensive treatment plan—including the right lubricants, moisturizers, and other interventions. Learn more about sexual medicine here.

For questions about how lubricant fits into your sexual satisfaction, sex counseling addresses the practical and psychological aspects of pleasure. Learn more about sex counseling here.

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Dr. Lori Davis is a Doctor of Nursing Practice, board-certified Family Nurse Practitioner, and AASECT Certified Sex Counselor specializing in sexual pain, vaginal health, and sexual pleasure. She teaches sexuality counseling at the University of Michigan.

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Note on language: In this article, terms like “woman/women” and “vagina/vulva” refer to anatomy rather than gender identity. This information applies to anyone with this anatomy, regardless of gender.